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For Christmas this year I received a Metal Earth! clipper ship building set. Upon opening the box, I discovered that the instructions were slightly more complicated than nuclear physics. I know that Metal Earth! is difficult, but I seriously couldn't understand any of it. No doubt some of you are currently in my predicament: You are befuddled by the complexity of the instructions. Thus, for your convenience, I have rewritten those instructions in an easy format for simpleminded folks like you and me. Hopefully, this will aid you in the construction of a Metal Earth! clipper ship!
(Note: For those of you who are new to Metal Earth! construction sets, know this: The point of a set is not actually to complete the model, but to see how long you can last during construction without uttering profanities.)
Step 1: Lose the Pieces
Tear open the package so that the metal sheets bend and fall all over the place, scattering pieces across the floor. Take utmost care that the tiniest and most important pieces are lost.
This first step is relatively easy, but it must be mastered from previous experiences.
Step 2: Slot the Mainmasts together
If the Mainmasts have been recovered after step 1, attempt to slot them together as the instructions direct. Become falsely encouraged by the feigned simplicity of the task.
Step 3: Slot the Masts into the Impossibly Tiny Holes (ITH) in the Miniscule Fasteners.
Wiggle the masts around, poking uselessly at the ITH. Discover that the fastener is not where you put it five seconds ago. Search the surrounding work area thoroughly. When the piece is dubbed "Missing in action", consider using superglue instead. Find the fastener suddenly, pick the superglue off of the masts with a screwdriver, and poke at the ITH with the mast until it finally slots in. Congratulate yourself for having made it thus far without yelling a single frustrated curse.
Step 4: Slot the Masts into the Deck
Do as the instructions direct. As you attempt to slot the completed masts into some more ITH, observe with dismay that the fasteners have fallen off. The masts slide out of the sails and the whole ship deconstructs. Moan in anguish.
Step 5: Repeat entire process form step 1, realizing as you once again attempt step four that you have the deck upside-down.
Step 6: Wile away many an hour repeating step 4
Step 7: Seek Assistance from a Parental Unit
As the Parental Unit comes to help you, she shall glance accidentally at the instructions in the box. Horrified by their complexity, she shall run away in a state of uncontrollable sobbing.
Step 8: Seek assistance from the other Parental Unit, who was apparently once an engineer
Watch with vague interest as he removes his glasses and peers closely at the instructions. He mutters at them incoherently, shakes his head, mutters some more, replaces his glasses, and says, "I don't know how to do this, son. Why don't we try tomorrow?"
Step 9: By now, you should be pretty fed up with the Metal Earth! clipper ship. After stalking off to your room to lurk in frustration for a few hours, find a better use of time.
Step 10: Several hours later, repeat from step 1.